Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in BKmarij's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, November 19th, 2002
10:50 pm	i have a new obsession...HOBBY?! body art. i love it. a pierceing or tatoo is a permanent fixture, a new detail to myself. ink and metal are my accessories. they're like the finishing touches to a peice of art, because the human body is art within itself. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 12th, 2002
10:09 pm	i want to be blah (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 10th, 2002
11:28 pm	blah blah blah!!!! well, what's there to say about today? uhhhh.... first thing this morning woke up with a killer hang over, oh yeah! last night! went to this party in winthrop. fuckin awsome! it took about an hour of "getting lost time" to find the palce. after getting entangled in the labrynth at logan airport, we ended up having to walk up and down 5 or 6 streets until finally 2 other cars filled with people looking for the same party joined us. a bunch of drunk emo kids. they somehow figured out what street it was on and finally we were there. all that walking was totally worth it.....there was some good scenery there! hehe. anyhoo, probably the best part of the night was after we left some really drunk guy invited us over to toke ad apparently he toured with zao and filmed them. he was off the fuckin wall! threw us all shirts, showed us the unreleased videos, and took our numbers so we could get tatoos in philly by dan....hells yes!!!!! and that was last night. for today: nothing overly exciting...worked...worked... called triple A to break into kimmy's car!!!!!!....uhh.. ..worked....saw sam!(oh, so hot)....and now... 11pm ... maybe something will happen now.....i'm sure it will cuz SPECIAL K IS HERE!!!!! woo hoo. oh, kyle, you're so dirty! (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 9th, 2002
5:32 pm	Dear Dad..... this entry is dedicated to dear old dad...aka "crazy fucked-up monster". he ruined my family, teared us limb from limb until finally we're the reason the family's falling apart. and what blame does he take? absolutely none! obviously he's the perfect father, right? oh yeah...beat your kids, kick em out, send your wife to a mental institution, and he, of course, is the perfect family man! sometimes i wish i never knew my dad, and now that i'm trying to leave that all behind me...get on with my life, he calls. not to say he's sorry, not to ask me how i'm doing, no, he calls to shout out the fact that HE (the almighty, generous one!) washed my clothes (may i bow down to thee, oh merciful one?) so i should come pick them up. grr... and i know this may not seem that bad of a thing, like i am overdramatizing the whole thing. but after all the shit he put me through, that's all he'll call about...just to glorify his good deeds. oh fuck you! (Comment on this)
Friday, November 8th, 2002
2:40 pm	so far, this morninghas been about the same as every other morning: woke up, said hi to cute baby, showered, dressed, got coffee and woke up kim. hopes for the day: PARTY LIKE A ROCK STAR!!!!! yeah, the party isn't till tomorrow, but figured there's nothing wrong with turning it into a weekend event. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 7th, 2002
4:46 pm	where has the time gone? have i been asleep this whole time? or have i been living this neverending dream, which id like to call my life. today, just like yesterday has been pretty uneventful. talked to my counselor this morning, or was it this afternoon? she came up with the same theory i did back in middle school: my parents are crazy. big surprise, right? so now im sitting at kimmy's computer and she's lying on the bed, exhausted from getting up. maybe i'll make myself a drink... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 16th, 2001
10:04 am	shrooms and acid make me a happy girl last saturday night must've bee the strangest night night i've ever had. hallucinagetics definately will do that for me. especially when too much is taken. maybe if i had taken only the shrooms, it wouldn't have been as confusing as it was. but no, i had to take those hits of acid. and it was worth it. whenever there are more drugs to take, it's very unlikely that i'll turn them down. i ate the mushrooms about an hoour and a half before we even arrived at the gates of the club. therefore i was tripping pretty hard on the way there. the spots on the ground and the columns in the subway station all began the pulse and sway while waiting for the train. walking from the station to the club down canal street was more than confusing. we had pauly to follow, and since he too ate the same shrooms i did, we walked in lots of circles and it took a long time before we actually made it to vinel. once inside the doors, our entire world was thrown upside down. the two and a half hits of acid hadn't kicked in when we were walking through the dance floor, and it's a good thing too, otherwise getting to the lounge would've been harder than it was. the dance floor was too intense when we first arrived, so we all sat on a large square pad. this is where the acid kicked in. i felt as if i was johnny depp in fear and loathing in las vegas. everyhting around me transformed into a nightmare. the acid was the best i've ever had and with the shrooms to go with it, my mind flipped out. the lounge looked more like a vampire's cave to me. we were surrounded by monsters and all i wanted to do was go home to safety, but i couldn't because my fellow trippers were content with where they were. this was the scariest part of my tripp. i was paranoid out of my mind and felt very unsafe. soon enough though, the nightmare i was trapped in turned into something that reminded me of "cartoon land". after we saw people doing push ups on the ground next to us, my trip became truely more happy than i could've imagined. the acid confused our minds so much that we lost track of our own limbs multiple times. at one point my foot ended up beneath pauly's chin, and we had no idea how. our speech became so impaired that only we undrstood eachother and anybody else around us could only hear jibberish. once we decided to venture out to the dance floor, this was a mistake because me and allison found that we could not move. we were planted on the ground and could only look around in complete awe at the distorted faces coming towards us. the trails were so intense that every time i'm turned my head all i could see was an extended blur that fucked with my eyes. trying to escape the maddness of the dancefloor became a big journey. we kept ending up at random corners of the room and getting stuck. we could not find our way out and did nothing about it but laugh. that was another thing about the night, i think we laughed during most of it. this was mainly because once we started to laugh, we couldn't stop. it was the common trippers' laugh that we had. when we finally made it back to our pad in the lounge,we became stuck again. i kept sinking in the the chair, falling further and further into the corner while the walls around me were growing around me creating a cave full of swirling rainbow colors. i don't know what time it was when we decided to leave the club, but i do know what motiveted us. what else would but another drug? we decided it was time to smoke weed, the one thing we were missing all night. all i can say is it was a good thing seth's little brother wasn't tripping too, because otherwise i don't think we would've made it home. the street outside looked nothing like it had the night before. i had no idea where we were or how to get home and i had it stuck in my head that we were going to get jumped. finally though, after wandering the streets a cab picked us up and we were safely tripping again without having to think. the four of us sat in the back of the cab like little kids looking at the the map moving around like colorful snakes and playing with all the buttons putting the windows up and down over and over again. we got home and became even more like children. after smoking a couple bowls and chugging all of the orange juice in the house, we changed into pjs, grabbed our favorite stuffed animals and stared at random paintings. i hugged my "stoned tiger" to my chest while histerically laughing at the cartoons we were watching. this was at 7:30 AM we've been tripping since midnight and everything was still as intense as it was in the begining. only now i had to worry about when my dad was showing up in the morning. eventually i had to leave the haven i had created surrounded by my tripping friends and head back to my own room and wait for daddy to show up. the walk from willoughby to pantas was the happiest walk i've ever had. everything reminded me of a cartoon, i felt like i was a cartoon. my dad showed up at 9AM, but i was passed out until 1PM. he didn't ask any questions and i still have to wonder if he was suspicious about my night previous. i don't think he was, but it's possible because my eyes were still the size of quarters. oh well i guess. he would never be able to comprhend the madness i had experienced. i can't even comprehend all that had happened, all i know is that saturday was the most confusing trip i've ever had. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 10th, 2001
1:25 pm	addiction so here i am...creating the same mess for myself that took so much work to clean up. i'm going back to my old routines of addiction. i just can't get away from it. i guess that's why all the drug councelors, phsycologists, and the courts classified me as an "addict". i didn't believe them when they told me i was. but now i definately do. i look back on the past few years and i see myself doing the same thing over and over again. makeing the same mistakes, saying i learned from my mistake, taking charge of my life for a short while, and once again giving into my addiction. i'm scared now though because each time the circle is overlapped, the mistakes i make are worse and they come with worse consequences. i thought i would be able to be a "good person" when i'm in college. you know, the type of person that does all their work, parties on the weekends, smokes weed once in awhile, and maybe on occasion do a harder drug. but for some reason i just can't be that person. i'm letting down my family, friends, and everybody that helped so much last time i crashed. they all litterally saved my life and now i'm ruining it all over again. i'm falling down again, winding down that all too famous "downward spiral" that is connected with any type of chemical drug. i talked to my brother about all those speedy drugs that i crave, and i agreed with him that they only bring you down in the end. i know that they will destroy my life in the end. that i'll probably end up back in the hospital, in rehab again, or dead if i continue the track that i'm starting up again. i know all these things and what did i choose to do this morning? i decided i NEEDED an aderol to make it through the day. so i took it and i feel a hell of a lot better. i feel alive, energetic and ready to rule the world! though that only means i'm gonna need one tomorrow too, and the next and the next and the next. the endless routine is begining again. this is just the begining though. soon enough i'll be back into coke. i already crave for it like i do water. i think about it all the time and i've made myself a mission to find a coke dealer that'll hook me up good. i don't want to fulfill this mission so i shove it aside as often as i can. i can't go back to that. i know what will happen, even if i start out as only occasionally, i know my addictive behavior will take over, making me NEED it everyday again. i can't let myself do that again. not only for myself but for everybody that helped me before. i don't want to be a disapointment again. though i know eventually i'll end up caving in and be a junky again. why do i always feel i can't get by without something in my system? i know i could get by without weed because it doesn't satisfy the high i'm looking for. unless of course it's taken with some form of speed. aderol is satisfying me for now, and i know i'm doing it too much, but i convince myself it's ok because i'm only taking one pill a day and sometimes two on the weekends. mike tried opening my eyes last night to the dangers of my habits. but like usual, i pushed him away. like in the past, i am constantly reminding myself that i'm the only one that knows what they're doing when it comes to drugs. i feel invinsible all over again. i don't know how that's possible considering i almost died last year from the overdose. but once again, nobody can tell me differently. soon enough they will learn, just like my friends from highschool, i do what i want and NOBODY can influence me to do different. it's not until i hit the lowest possible stature will i be able to be stopped. let's just hope it never gets to that point. at least not soon. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 8th, 2001
6:43 pm	how does a day turn from being the greatest, most happy day to melancholy to just plain shitty? i almost wish i hadn't called my mom today. i know it was good for her to hear from me and to talk with me. and i know it was good that i talked to her about everything that i did, but now i feel like shit. shouldn't heart to heart conversations be a good thing? i always thought that talking to my mom about all the shit that happened would help me cope with it. i thought that apologizing to her for screwing up would make me feel better. i thought it would lift a huge weight off my shoulders and rid me of any guilt buried in me. for some reason though, it just brought me down, and now i feel shitty. i feel like my mind is one big fluster of thoughts and memories and flashbacks. none of them good or uplifting. i don't know how to cope with my past. talking about it just makes me feel worse. but that's what i'm suppose to do in the eyes of phsycologists. the only thing i've found that worked for me was to forget about everything. just bury my past and never look back. is that a healthy thing to do? i don't know, but it's all that has worked for me. i mean, sure sometimes my memories will come back and haunt me and make me depressed. but usualy that happens because of an event that influences the flashback. this time though, i created a senario that brought all the chaos, hurt feelings, fights, hospital visits, and mental breakdowns forward to the present. i want to just walk, i mean, run away from it all and leave it where it belongs, buried far back in the depths of my mind. now i can't though. i need to bring it in plain view so that my mom can get better. her therapy of resolving the past is tearing me apart. her recovery is creating my downfall. Current Mood: guilty Current Music: i won't run away, new amsterdams (Comment on this)
1:51 pm	it's crazy how drugs bring people closer together. sometimes for good, sometimes for bad. this time ecstasy definately helped brighten up my world, even after it wore off. this is a rare occurence for me because in the past, drugs have done nothing but bring my world spirelling downwards. Though this time, the lovey-doveyness of rolling brought me a friend that would make my world a lot more happier. one month ago today me and texas had our rolling/bonding experience. and some how, in the scatterbrained conversation we had, he became my "pretend boyfried". i know this may sound stupid or dorky. but i don't care. if it weren't for the fact that girls aren't his type, he'd be my real boyfriend. but i think this entire pretending game we have going on is a hell of a lot better than any real relationship. the whole set up that we've made for ouselves helps me enjoy life in some way. maybe it's because our anniversary, which consists of gift-giving and a date, that we have every month, gives me something to look forward to. now that our one month has finally arrived, i know this dorky act of affection will help pull me through each month. no matter how depressing the month may be. the eighth of every month is now a resting day for me. kind of like a holiday, in a sense that we give gifts, go out, and dress up. it's basically a big, dorky, role-playing game. today he gave me a rainbow hat, which is just the coolest. he must've been thinking hard because i've been talking about how i needed a hat. and he wrote me only the best poem ever. complete with stick figures and a lovey phrase at the bottom, "celebrating one month of love and devotion." i like the fact that i'm able to put away any anti-corny thoughts for the day and just have fun. Current Mood: silly (Comment on this)